Cultural Event # 5: Armand Cerbone - Love, Sex, and Stigma in Same Sex Relationships

I am really glad I went to this lecture because it was the best one I have attended all semester.

The lecture started off talking about how there are two basic issues in any relationship, whether it is a heterosexual relationship or homosexual relationship. These issues are autonomy (the need to be your own person and an individual) and attachment (the feeling of being connected to somebody else). In a relationship you need both of these but it is a real challenge. He then talked about stigma and how stigma is an assault on the sense of who you are. He then discussed love and sex. He said love is about the "other" and being attached. Sex is more about "me" and not about the other. This all goes together in a relationship and as you get more intimate with somebody, you have to think about their needs and not just about your own.

He then started to discuss same-sex relationships. For same sex couples, it is hard to distinguish between normal conflict (conflicts any couple would have, such as heterosexual couples) and the conflicts caused by being a same-sex couple. They have to acheive intimacy without the support heterosexual couples get. He then discussed a situation that I think really opened my eyes. He talked about an example of how a gay man who works in an office goes to work everyday and listens to heterosexual coworkers talk about their relationships and their families, and sees how they have pictures of their significant others and families in their office. He then goes to his own office, where he has no pictures, and does not talk about his male significant other. This is because he doesn't know how others will react or if it is "safe" to talk about it. So for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week... he has to keep it pretty hidden. He talked about how if he got invited to a coworker's house for dinner, he wouldnt know if he is allowed to bring his significant other. Then, after all this every day, the man has to go home to his partner and try to switch gears and pretend that this relationship he has with his partner is the most important relationship in the world. He talked about how difficult this is for same-sex relationships because it isnt easy to have to deal with that all day and then come home and just flick a switch. This puts a lot of strain on same-sex relationships. I guess for me, I never really realized how hard it must be for same-sex relationships. I always knew that there are a lot of people that are not accepting of it, but the way Mr. Cerbone described it just made it seem so sad. And then when a kid stood up and asked a question about how to overcome it, it almost seemed hopeless. We live in a really intolerant culture.

Anyways, the moral to Mr. Cerbone's talk was that we have to appreciate and support same-sex relationships for the challenges they take on. Being in a relationship (heterosexual) is hard enough trying to balance love (attachment) and sex (autonomy), but throwing in stigma into the mix (which is the case for same-sex relationships) makes it so much more difficult.